is it still a mask?

so once upon a time (back when life was grand and i was living in paris, and my biggest struggle was the fact that i had to go to bernie's art class), i was sitting in the branly,
and bernie pointed to some masks, and asked:
"if they are stuck on a wall, are they still masks?"

at this point in time, i was really just so done with bernie's antics, you know ? like we get it, bern, you're super deep and artsy good for you.
like, this question exasperated me.

i refused to actually answer, because bernie and i were never really on very good speaking terms, but i sat there and screamed (in my head) freaking bernie, obviously they are still masks, even if they are not currently serving the purpose they were meant to serve, okay ?

k so, no one tell bernie, but....last night i realized (oh the places my mind wanders in the middle of the night...),
there could definitely be a deeper point to the "mask or not a mask" question.

i've been thinking a lot lately about provo and it's people. (obvs this is applicable to more than just the residents of provo, but...i live in provo, so, voila.)
i've been thinking a lot about how they all feel the need to put on this happy face. this perfect little facade, because heaven forbid someone in provo have a less than perfect life, amiright?

i mean, you look at these perfect little provobots
and they look great,
they look put together,
they wear their happy face,
and everyone assumes they're happy.

so if a face looks happy...
and if a face acts happy...
but that happiness isn't actually happy at all...
is it still happiness ?

if the happiness is sitting on someone's face, rather than pounding inside of their heart,
if the happiness is smiling and laughing but not actually feeling...
if the happiness isn't serving the purpose it is meant to serve...
is it still happiness ?

i was talking to someone recently, and he asked me "when people tell us they're going through a hard time and they need help, how can we help them?'

and so i answered honestly (i'm really good at that, especially when i know what i have to say isn't what people want to hear), "if someone is going through a hard time, if someone needs help...they probably won't tell you."

i think he was really confused.
i don't think he got my point. he just kind of went on to say that it's important to help people when they need help. and i mean, i agree.

but. the issue there was so much bigger.
just be kind. if you see someone and you think hey, they look like they could use a friend right now, just help.
don't wait for people to ask, because they probably won't. don't wait until the moment is right, because there's never a right (or maybe never a wrong) moment to be a friend.

people are sad and angry and lonely and we don't even know it because they're wearing these ridiculous masks, trying to hide, because they don't feel like they're worth seeing right now.

honestly, i still think bernie is stupid, and a mask is a mask even if it's hanging on a wall, instead of sitting on someone's face. but. i guess i see his point : we need to stop accepting things blindly, without questioning whether or not we're actually seeing what we think we're seeing.

i guess the moral of the story here, is that it is always better to be kind than to be right. it is always better to be a friend than to be an enemy, and you probably don't know as much as you think you know, so pay attention to the details and see the real picture instead of the pretty picture.

deal?
deal.
[#sorrynotsorry for the rant. i'm really good at those.]

love you all.
<3

hopefully this makes you feel better about your life.

these past few weeks have been exceptionally weird,
and since i've basically accepted the fact that my life is a comedy show of awkward that exists purely for the enjoyment of the general population,
i thought i might as well blog the weirdness.

so.

french class. teacher: "kailey, what's your favorite possesion?' (other people had responded with these sentimental, well thought out things like, the quilt their grandma made, or their watch collection.)

.....and then there's me, like: "euhhh...jesaispas peut-etre mon frigo? ou plutot les choses dedans..."(translation: um. i dont know, my fridge? or more like the things inside of my fridge...)

and. yesterday my french teacher legitimately announced to the class: "don't forget, kailey is in the back corner...you guys can work with her, you know..."
oh geez. thanks pal. (i'm trying to tell myself he has a soft spot for me and genuinely wants me to make friends but i think mostly he just thinks i don't know how to socialize like a normal human.)

and then can we just talk about the fact that alex and i are supposed to have 4 roommates, but we actually have 5...? (we refer to her as #5. or cinquieme. we've never asked her name. but we think she might secretly be a stripper.)

and then there's my spanish teacher who constantly throws out things like:

• "kailey you're always doodling. is it because you're in love?" (he's convinced i'm in love. convinced i have a secret boyfriend.) lololol okay little guy (no. i just like to doodle.)
• and "kailey, you're always frowning, please don't forget to smile." (oh sorry, that's just my natural glare. nothing personal.) 
• and "kailey, i feel like you probably like to stay up really late. do you stay up late and party?" (no comment.)

[but it's okay, because i actually think he likes me...despite the fact that i accidentally go all french mode during spanish class. every. single. time.] 

ohhhh and. so. sometimes i sneak off to take "bathroom breaks" with my cute megan at work.
a normal boss might get annoyed by this.
my boss?
"kailey, i'm so glad to see you socializing! i feel like a proud parent."

but guys i actually socialize all the freaking time, i'm just very selective okay?


also, today i realized: the tap water at boost tastes like the tap water chez my host mom, so i drank my whole bottle of water in like a minute flat.

life.is.so.weird. good thing i've got that awkward kailey confidence that you might never know exists but does. you know, the type that people always try to copy, but never really can.

ohlala.

okay. i could probably keep going but...
these songs are important:

because this song is the saddest, most beautiful thing.

and because this one is perfect. just perfect: 

annnnd finally, this one, is perfect in a completely different but still valid sort of way: 

 

now.

i should probably go do my french homework. (anyonewanttowritemystupidfrenchessay?) (hi mom.)

<3

p.s: it's kams birthday ! he's 12 today, and it's kind of freaking me out.
(okay. weird request: he got a phone, and since it's his first birthday with a phone, we want to overload him with random, fun happy birthday texts. so. text this number : 3852696038. say happy birthday, and then sign it from a random famous person, or your favorite character...whatever. he'll love it. i promise it wont be weird.)