I have a generalized anxiety disorder. I was diagnosed with anxiety when I was 5 years old, and since that age I have been medicated on and off for the disorder. Along with anxiety, I've also dealt with depression. If these things were things I could control, I most definitely would; but I can't control them. Sometimes I have full on panic attacks even though there is literally nothing wrong. I've dealt with suicidal thoughts despite the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by more love and support than many people experience in an entire lifetime. Mental disorders are not rational, and people who have them are not looking for handouts when they ask for special allowances.
This semester, I've come to the realization that people really can't fully understand mental disorders and how debilitating they can be unless they know someone who suffers from one.
At the beginning of the semester, one of my teachers asked all of the students in the class to submit a participation grade for themselves and explain why they felt they merited that grade.
I submitted mine and it said:
"I feel like I deserve 90/100. I have really bad anxiety about speaking up in class, so I never raise my hand to share. However, I always show up, always do the reading and always contribute during group work."
"I feel like I deserve 90/100. I have really bad anxiety about speaking up in class, so I never raise my hand to share. However, I always show up, always do the reading and always contribute during group work."
My teacher responded:
"I agree with your grade, Kailey. I never want you to feel uncomfortable in class, but I also want you to make the effort to make a contribution in group discussions. I really value your preparation!"
I was perfectly fine with that response. While the teacher probably didn't realize that the mere idea of raising my hand made me feel incredibly uncomfortable, she gave me the 90% and I was totally fine with it. However, when I showed up to class the next day, the teacher started the hour with a discussion about anxiety.
She told us, "a few of you mentioned in your participation grades that you feel anxious about participating. I understand. I know that speaking French in front of people can be really scary if you haven't served a mission, but unfortunately, you've just got to get over it. The only way to get better at French is by raising your hand and participating in class."
I was pretty mad, to say the least. I felt belittled and humiliated, and I regretted having mentioned my anxiety in my submission.
Let me be clear: I do not feel anxious about speaking French in front of people, and I certainly don't feel that my French is inferior because I didn't serve an LDS French speaking mission.
Like I said, anxiety is NOT rational. The simple act of putting my hand in the air and waiting to be called on is what makes me anxious. Like, to the point where I feel physically ill. My heart starts pounding, I start to sweat, my stomach starts hurting (sometimes the stomach ache doesn't go away all day) and usually all of this is accompanied by a pounding headache. Over the course of my schooling, I've learned that raising my hand is not worth the panic attack that would surely follow, and THAT is why I don't speak up in class.
But, I understand that not everyone gets it, so after this infuriating, insensitively delivered class discussion, I went for a long run to blow off some steam and tried to forget about it.
A few weeks later, however, I had a one-on-one meeting with this teacher to discuss ideas for a final paper that I would need to write. During the meeting, she told me "You did a great job in your presentation a few weeks ago. I was blown away. I didn't know you had it in you! But I have noticed you still don't raise your hand in class. Why is that?"
Now, I do not like telling people about my anxiety disorder; it's something I'm very insecure about, but at this point, I felt it was necessary. So I explained, "I feel like you need to know, I actually have no problem speaking French in front of people; I'm very comfortable speaking French. However, I've been medicated for anxiety since I was 5 years old, and raising my hand is something I'm just not comfortable doing."
The teacher laughed.
I mean, it's not like she busted a gut or anything and I know she wasn't trying to mock me, but she did laugh.
I had just opened up to her about one of my biggest insecurities, and the teacher laughed it off and said, "Ohhh, so it's just the nature of the beast."
I'm still not sure what she meant by that, but at that point, I felt frustrated and humiliated, so I nodded my head and, choking back angry tears, told her I needed to get going.
At this point, you may be wondering: Kailey, why don't you go talk to a counselor on campus about this?
Two reasons:
- Talking to someone about your mental disorder is incredibly scary and sometimes it's easier to just take the grade reduction.
- By the time I went to see a doctor for proof of my disorder and talked with a counselor about getting special help and allowances, the semester would already be over. It's just not worth it at this point.
I'm not writing this post because I'm angry or because I want to bad talk my teacher; I'm writing this because I don't think people understand. I think, at this point, everyone knows that mental health disorders are real and that people suffer from them, but the way to HELP is NOT with the occasional finger painting session or showing a movie.
People need to be made aware of the fact that: it is incredibly hard to open up about these challenges.
If someone approaches you asking for some form of help or special allowances because of their mental disorder, they ARE NOT just looking for a handout. They are desperately crying out for you to help them figure out a way to make things work. A way that WON'T make their life any harder than it already is.
I'm writing this post because I KNOW this is not just a problem at BYU; I think this is a problem all around the world. If we truly want to "stop the stigma around mental health", we need to realize that people with mental disorders have brains that work differently than other people. Every day tasks that may seem like no big deal to someone without a disorder can seem absolutely insurmountable when you've got a mental disorder.
These people don't need finger paints or puppies (although those things can be helpful in their own way). People with mental health disorders need your willingness to help. They need you to TRY to understand. They need you to know that they are trying, and they want you to HELP them.
Breaking the stigma is going to take more than a few workshops and activities. It requires more than "knowing the signs of mental disorders". It requires knowing the signs and being willing to help. That help will obviously look different for different people, but I know from experience that it will always be appreciated.
Basically: Never underestimate the problems that someone else is dealing with.
There is a reason that people act the way they do, and I believe that the more we try and understand those reasons, the more we will be able to make a difference in people's lives.
